Footsie

After two weeks of hard slog i am now a fully qualified Foot health Professional, with the added title of MCFPH MAFHP that makes a total of 21 letter after my name, at this rate I will need to do all my letters in the landscape format just to get the my qualification letters in the heading in. Over the past two weeks i have seen so many pairs of feet ranging from a 15yrs of Ballet dancer to a 97 yr old great great grandma! At the time it seemed that the smell of the less savory ones penetrated your very soul, following you home to reappear at unusual times to remember, Auditory hallucinations I think but pretty weird. I nearly lost it with one patient who's son-in-law had just passed away at home the previous night, he kept talking about it and it sounded so similar to Steven's death that I was so overwhelmed that I didn't know how to handle it, apart from burying my face in his feet like a myopic hobbit and carry on burring and rasping while he carried on off loading his grief that was so like mine. I hope he felt better, not only to get his toenails cut etc, but to be able to talk without feedback or interruption.

my tears

how much do you have to cry until it gets easier to acknowledge that someone has really gone. Its been 6 years since Warren died, yet when I lie awake a night i can still hear his footsteps on the stairs to the front door, just as I used to wait to hear them all those years ago. Then when the phone rings and before i pick it up i can hear Steven with his Helllllllllllooooooooow that he always used to do when calling. I know I can never hear those things again but I still hear them, echoes of memory that will not go away. Part of me wants it to all go away, but part of me wants to keep it, to hold on to those precious memories, all I have left of two people that I loved so much. Yet I also have much to love that is here and real, but sometimes I am afraid, as I am afraid of loosing them also, afraid of having their memories echoing around my life as well, it would be too much to bear. I seem to spend a lot of my life these days being afraid. When i was younger i was not so afraid, and things were black and white, but now its all grey and messy. Fortunately the sun continues to rise each morning and I have another day to contend with. Should keep my mind off things, for a while a least.